Mindsay Mohan

Comic Con 2008

2008-04-20T16:26:46Z

I woke up yesterday morning at 5:50am. Why? Because I, Maritza, was going to Comic Con at the Jacob Javits Center in Manhattan. I was up, dressed (in black clothes and yellow tights), and ready to go.
Antonio and I got there a little after 8:30am. It was quiet. It was clean. It was awesome. I got the tickets (for Sophie and I) and Antonio bought his. We walked around, and found the DC Talent Orientation. At around 10 aomthing, Sophie called me cause she was just getting there. So as I ran upstairs and out to go meet up with her, Stan Lee, mofo-ing STAN LEE walks right right right right by me! ME! I actually stopped walking to meet Sophia cuz I was dumbstruck. I was just standing there, covering my mouth as I giggled so stupidly. But it was STAN LEE!

Anyway....the DC comics thing- you had to sit there and attend it in order for your portfolio to be reviewed. It was so boring. So boring. I didnt learn anything, but could hear the room next door [that was housing Stan Lee for his q&a]. After the DC thing, I found Antonio (since we separated) and walked around. Quite frankly, as I try to blog all of this, it's quite difficult because it felt like it happened in a blur. We met up with Sophie, and later with Kreg, and I met the adorable Mel...she's so cute. I dropped off my work at the DC booth. I spent two hours on the Tokidoki line just to get Simone Legno's [designer/creator of Tokidoki] autograph [such a pain in the neck, that line was]. Sophia and I stole a special limted edition toy from the booth [we're evil, i know] and finally got to meet Simone Legno. I had him draw Terri a lamb, since she was the annoying voice in my head reminding me he was going to be there. And he drew me a bow. I took too many stickers [4 per person my ass!]the rest of my drawings to some comic book artists in the Artist Alley for their professional opinions as to what I should do to get into the business, got the same feedback I've heard before from non-comic book artists [which as soon as i can, i will apply for a loan or something and look into art school...you happy now, Alicia? lol] The School of Visual Arts was there too, and I talked to them for a while.
Oh! I went to the Leonard Starr [creator of Thundercats, amongst others] panel with Irwin Hasen, who Mr. Hasen did nothing but call Mr. Starr an S-O-B, and told the story of how he lost his virginity! It was like sitting in a room with your grandparent and one of their friends and listening to them talk about the old days...which I really love, i love old people and their stories! Hmm...what else?
I took a picture with a Storm Trooper, Rogue (love her), Mr. T, and this oh-my-god-hot man in a bio suit. He was the ultimate in hot.
Creamy Jeans!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I look totally stupid in that picture, but ugh, he is so hot. His hotness cancels out my idiocy in the photo.

It was an amazing day! I cant believe I went to Comic Con! I'm going next year, except the entire weekend. So much swag, so much to see. One day is not enough. As soon as I get home, I will upload the pictures. It was awesome.
Thanks to Sophie, who kept me sane. Kreg & Mel...are just awesomeness.

It was just insanity, but with way hot guys and [not hot] girls in outfits they shouldnt be wearing.

triste/joli -- comme ce comme ca

2008-04-06T03:11:54Z

This week has past by way too fast, but not fast enough. I've done nothing but apply to more than a dozen jobs in the last 4 days. I'm in dire need of a better job/second job. I dont know. I hate complaining about it, but here i am doing something about it, and nothing is coming up. Plus I hate when people dont respond to emails. Ugh, drives me mad.
Besides that, I'm sending my tax payment thingamajig check on monday. Good riddance. Other than that, Sophia and I watched some movies the other day. That was fun. I bought a lamp in the shape of the Effiel Tower. It's lovely. Makes me want to just drop everything and go sell my stuff and go abroad. Bleh.
   Yesterday was weird. I was hanging out with my brother, and we went to the galleria while the car was parked at the city center. we went to the galleria with the intention of getting some food, since the city center's only problem is their lack of food choices. We ran into Terri and Anthony. They had just gotten there when we had. so we decided to eat together, which was a bad idea. Terri reacted badly to an observation Wally had made, and since she was being moronic, she continued to bring up her verbal/grammatical error which only made wally point out she was to begin with. She glared at him and sat silently, in her victim-like way as if he did it to hurt her. He just made an observation. but considering how time is has been/people have been, it's clear some are just changing. I must say I was quite disappointed in her behaviour. She knows what my brother is like, she knows how he plays around. He was actually happy to see her, and she was just so cunty. I was infuriated, but I think I kept it well hidden til later when i text-confronted her about it. She replied it was because she was so tired from the evening before. Which is no excuse. On top of that, it was my brother she was being a cunt to. Sorry, but my brother comes first, especially when he hasnt done anything wrong. I also must say i love how terri had to look at anthony to see if it was okay for her to laugh at whatever funny thing was said. It's sad. She's one of THOSE people. You know, those people who check with their significant others to see if it's okay to react to something. Her whole way about her was so awkward yesterday, from seeing us at first to sitting there acting all hurt about a stupid observation about BACON. Say it with me: BACON. Ridiculous.
       What bothers me more lately is her clear jealously/resentment [choose one] in tone when I mention any plans concerning Sophia and I. Meanwhile, has she even bothered to call me just to see how I am like she used to when she wasnt dating Anthony? no. Why should she? She has a boyfriend, and clearly her 'best friend' has taken the backseat. Which is fine. i'm happy if she's happy. But her tones make it seem like I shouldnt be hanging out with other people, while she can continue to ignore my existence, since she's the one with a boyfriend. Ugh, I hate how much she's become one of those people. And if I DONT CALL HER TO HANG OUT, she DOESNT call me to hang out. Whatever, it's cool. Really it is. And isnt. But it's her thing, and hopefully it'll last. I dont say that in a mean way, but in a geniunely honest way.
      I guess I needed to rant about that. But what bugged me more was that she called me a "traitor" just because I was nice to someone she hates. Whatever, this person did me a favor, and what was I supposed to say, "hey give me that, now fuck off."??

I dont know, she really irked me yesterday. Other than that, I'm going to bed.

Pas de tu. I'm still optimistic.

2008-03-28T01:06:19Z

Things arent going as I thought they would be. Although, admittingly enough, I never had a preconcieved notion about it. Really, I didnt. Of course, I'm talking about the country club. I cant really wait for it to pick up, or be 'busy'. Either way, there wont be enough money to go around just my working on weekends. I'm definitely going through with the whole bartending thing. I start my night classes on April 10th. I have to pay for it next week, which means I cant spend a lot of what i already dont have of my paycheck. It's very cheap, so I cant complain. I know the bartending wont be much either, but it IS more hours, tips and such. For now it's the thing to do.
     I spent all day today researching the 'art scene' in Yonkers. In the time that I last looked stuff up, a whole bunch of websites sprang up supporting the scene. Although, I havent seen much evidence to support the theory of an art scene. Plus, i have to admit, all the stuff I see is from these old fuddy artists. Which really irks me. Where are artists my age? Creating themselves some harsh or idealistic world in which they rule? I feel like I'm constantly alone in that. I hate that I have no scene, at least art wise. It really makes me mad.
So I emailed some fuddy artists for advice on how to get my work noticed. That tactic didnt work the last time I tried it, but maybe someone will at least be nice enough to tell me to fuck off, as opposed to no response.
   Blah.
I have to tell the country club I wont be able to work there for the rest of the summer. Ugh. It's such an easy job, but there arent enough hours. I do need to make money. I wish I could do it with my art, but it's difficult with absolutely no contacts, and with no one that will buy what I make, which sucks. I know there's an audience. How do I find them? UGH. I hate this, what I'm doing. I'm thinking. And too much about the future, at that. I hate when I do that because I start to worry and fret about my future, if i have any, and i wonder if I'll end up destitute. Which wouldnt be nice. I have too high a penchant for foreign fashion magazines and MAC make up. I must stop worrying. But what about my future?
   I want to be an artist. That's my entire goal. Honestly.
I want to sell my work, and be known for it. That's all. That and traveling around the world on the money that I make from the art.
    I would love to use my photography for it, more than anything. I happen to think I'm damn good with a camera. And currently, my photos are being used in blogs and articles on the internet. I'm proud of that, but how do I turn that around so that I can get paid for it?

Hmmm.. I need to start an art scene. The one that i found was very old, with people who just restore paintings and ugh, are just old. Not current. Not now. Not young and pulsating with the ridiculous passion to just fucking create! Ugh. There are a couple of events I must attend. Just to even get my feet wet.
I'll figure this out, I have to. Art is my life. And I really do refuse to go to school for it. It's ridiculous. Pas De Tu! I did the college thing. Twice. I hated it. I only went for the people and the hanging out. Ugh. pas de tu, pas de tu. I refuse, plus I have NO money for that. So even if I wanted to, this nigga bitch is briz-oke.

More than anything I need money for August and November. That's all. And art supplies. Oh and foreign magazines.

Yelle @ Maroquinerie, Paris | 25.04.2007

2008-03-24T02:14:23Z

Yelle @ Maroquinerie, Paris | 25.04.2007
Originally uploaded by Rod | Le-hibOO.com

i love yelle. I'd love her for her haircut alone.

i adore this.

2008-03-23T02:00:28Z

drawn by me.
you should see the picture at my flickr.
It's pretty rad.
now the question is, who would buy this?
[besides me]

quiet

2008-03-23T01:47:55Z

I finally had some time, and some quiet in my usually noisey home to sit and just click clack away.
   Work at the country club has been hellish. In the sense that it is so boring. And at times, I dont really want to be indoors all summer, but considering, that for the time being, it is money in my pocket (yea right) I guess i will just stay put for a lil while...the whole summer, of course. I know it will pick up soon, and soon i will have nothing but entries about how members drive me up the wall with their catty attitudes, but for now i sit in a chair, answer the phone, and continue to draw. I've drawn so much and come up with some great t-shirt ideas. I really cant wait til i have a paycheck, where some of it will go into materials, and such. I just need people to buy my stuff. I'm hoping that there will be an audience for what I do. I mean I constantly get stopped on the street/ complimented for the things i wear, or accessorize with, so maybe there are a bunch of other Maritzas out there. and most of the stuff i do wear I either buy and then customize, or i do make myself.
   Here's hoping.
Along in designing some things, i created a family and they're set in the victorian era. The drawings are absolutely outrageously cool. I am quite proud of them, and will also be featuring them on t-shirts and such.

You can, for the time being see the mother and father, newly married right here:    http://www.flickr.com/photos/mitzabot_goes_boom/

I'm really proud of my work and the journey it's taken since i was a child. I hate how stupid and selfish it sounds, but ugh, I've got mad skills!
I also drew some Twilight characters, although I'm missing Jasper, Edward, Charlie, Renee, Esme, and Carlise. I'll probably draw those tomorrow at work. I also wish i remembered how to make a watermark for my drawings. Especially the Twilight ones. Speaking of, i saw the new shots of the film shooting and oh my god, i almost had a heart attack. Such small things make me the happiest girl in the world.

Other than that, life is life, moving, and shall i just say at a slowwwwwwwww pace. I felt like February would never end, and despite having felt March fly by, this ending of the month seems never ending. I dont know. I hate my horoscope by the way. The one by Susan Miller?
Yea...no, she sucks! She made me anticipate and love the idea of what was going to happen in March, and nothing happened!
Literally, nothing has happened. I dont normally put much stock into horoscopes but her last month horoscope was insanely on point.
Regardless, I feel like everything is happening too slow. My life, my love life (or lack thereof), my creative and professional life, it just seems so blah. I hate feeling blah, I then feel so useless.
    Easter is tomorrow, and the holidays feel like a blur to me now. I can actually remember when I looked forward to all these things and now it's literally like "Oh..it's Easter tomorrow? Really?"
Meh. i feel like artistically I'm surging, that i've got so much to do and offer, but with absolutely no time, nor sources to accomplish what i see in my head, which if i could make real, i think i'd be somewhat known, at least by indie hipsters or something. Like that's all great, but the rest of me feels so lazy. No, not lazy, maybe forgotten. Not by me, though.
Either way, i will continue to strive and create. I have so much passion for everything, at times I'm afraid I'll burn myself out.

the love of my life.

2008-03-13T22:52:03Z

I loves.

cherub rock

2008-03-11T04:19:19Z

I had a strange dream last night, and this morning when I woke up and fell back to sleep. The first one had to do with fashion, and I was on Project Runway, and I couldnt sew, like I didnt have a lot of time, but I just couldnt sew. I dont know if it was me lying to them, or at that moment my sewing skills went somewhere, but i couldnt bring myself to sew. And it was in a basement, or a bunker. It was somewhere in this house. Very weird.
My second dream, had to do with someone I know. They texted me to go to dinner and movie with them. I remember holding my phone and seeing the brightly lit lcd screen with the message for all of that on a Thursday night. I remember the sensation in my dream of smiling. I remember the sensation of being really happy with the text message and person. When I woke up, I tried to push it out of my head because it'll just have me hoping that, that actual person will text me that. Which wont happen. Why? Because, that's why. I mean, I know for legit facts that this wont happen. But still, no hope in getting my lil heart ready to soar when it'll just get shot down again.
how meh.
And where the hell is my anonymous reader, huh? Where are you?! It really is doing my head in, that I dont know who you are, but you know me and people who have known me. Unless of course, it's a prank, in which case, keep reading, but quit commenting. blah, all of a sudden i'm in a pissy mood. grr.

black and pink nails.

2008-03-05T23:41:09Z

        I have a new favorite band. Admitting though, that I'm not as crazy about them as I was with Coconut Records, but that's also because I'm head over heels for Jason Schwartzman. *lets out one really big, heavy sigh [seriously]*
My new favorite band is loosely associated with JS though. She & Him is the band I'm currently loving, and the She part is Zooey Deschanel, my number 1 girl crush. Actually, she's probably number 2, Drew Barrymore is number 1. Any magazine Drew is on, and it can be High Times for all I care, I will buy it. It's retarded, really.
       I went to court for my mother's ticket today. The most unbelievable cute cop was there, and I dare say he must have been my age. Maybe 3 years [at the most] older. He was so adorable. I blatantly looked at him a couple times, and saw him looking back. I actually kind of wish I'd been arrested. Not really. I dont know what it is, but Traffic Court makes me nervous, and today it made me more nervous because I was representing my mother since she's in El Salvador for another week. My mom's case was dismissed [SCORE!] but my heart was beating rapidly, you'd have thought the cute cop had said something to me.
       I had the absolute worst night sleep ever last night. There was something in the air last night, which made me uneasy about falling asleep. Almost scary, and lately I've been sleeping with the TV on, not the cable box, but the TV for its glow. It's my night light since my lights stopped lighting. I know I wasnt very asleep last night because I woke up for every position change of my body. I could hear Jake [the dog] in and out of the room, and I woke up as I heard a giant clash of thunder, which really feels like the loudest I've ever heard. The wind knocked down the Harry Potter portrait I painted, including my mini statue of the Virgin Mary. Speaking of the Virgin Mary, I would LOVE to have Juliette's (that's how I choose to spell her name) room in Baz Lurhmann's Romeo and Juliet. The statues she has everywhere? With gold, white, and multi-colored twinkle lights around the border. I love those religious statues, and despite not being incredibly religious, I really think of them as beautiful.
     I almost took myself to see No Country For Old Men today. I got out of court at 3pm, and the next movie was at 3:45pm, at the City Center, but I got home and decided to stay home. I havent been home a lot since my folks left. I've been spending my time with Terri, or by myself driving around with my thoughts and good music. I want to see it in the theater again, but it comes out on dvd next Tuesday. I also saw the advertisement for Atonement and screamed so loud, my brother thought I had hurt myself. I will definitely be buying those two. Even at full price, I must own them.
   Yesterday I actually spent $20 on dvds. I got the Aviator, and Steel Magnolias for $4!!! What? What store is the bestest? Target! or as I call it: Tar-jay! I also bought Pretty In Pink, because honestly, sometimes I just want to watch Andy give Blane/Blaine that whole speech about him being embarrassed by going to the prom with her, and then he tears and calls out her name, as she runs away.
                   Ugh, gets me every time.
They had so many other movies for $4, but I figured I shouldnt spend like $100 on movies, although that would be so fucking awesome.
I think tonight I will watch Pride and Prejudice. Ironic, it's not one of the films I bought. I am in some heavy need of the lovely Mr. Darcy. That is until the lovely Mr. Cullen comes to the big screen. *sigh* I love Edward Cullen. Really, I do. I wish he was real. And the only other character I've ever wish to be real was Holden Caulfield. I swear to this day, I'd marry Holden Caulfield [if he was real] if he asked me.
   I just wanted so much to fix him. That's probably why the only real men I attract are Helper-Uppers. Ugh, gotta stop doing that.

play.

2008-03-04T07:37:58Z

60 Things You Can't Possibly Know About Me

1. What is in the back seat of your car right now?
baking pans.

2. When was the last time you threw up?
uh 2 weeks ago from the random sickness i got.

3. What's your favorite word or phrase?
any word with LY at the end.

4. Name 3 people who made you smile today?
terri, the kids.

5. What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
hmmm sleeping =]

6. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
writing out a blog.

7. What is your favorite holiday?
my birthday

8. Where did you go yesterday?
work.

9. What is the last thing you said aloud?
you really got a hold on me.

10. What is the best ice cream flavor?
strawberry

11. What was the last thing you had to drink?
hmmm water

12. What are you wearing?
pj bottoms, wife beater

13. What was the last thing you ate?
french fries

14. Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
no

15. When was the last time you ran?
Its been like two weeks since i last went to the gym. yucky of me.

16. What's the last sporting event you watched?
uh...

17. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
England. it's calling.

18. Who is the last person you sent a comment/message on myspace?
Terri

19. Ever go camping?
nope

20. Do you have a tan?
nopee

21. Have you ever lost anything down a toilet?
ummm yes lmao

22. What is your guilty pleasure?
i dunno.

23. Do you use smiley faces on the computer a lot?
I try not to

24. Do you drink your pop from a straw?
sometimes

25. What did your last text message say?
im not checking

26. Are you someone's best friend?
yupp

27. What are you doing tomorrow?
going to court and then class

28. Where is your mom right now?
El Salvador

29. Look to your left, what do you see?
a tv

30. What color is your watch?
platnium

31. What do you think of when you think of Australia?
hot guys with hot accents

32. Ever ridden on a roller coaster?
yupp

33. What's your zodiac sign?
um scorpio

34. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru?
drive

35. Do you have any friends on myspace that you actually hate?
no, just annoyed by

36. Do you have a dog?
2

37. Last person you talked to on the phone?
uhhh terri

38. Have you met anyone famous?
yupp

39. Any plans today?
nahh

41. Ever go to college?
yes

42. Where are you right now?
my room

43. Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
didnt do class assignment.

44. Last song listened to?
she and him song called "i thought i saw your face today", they are my new fave band

45. Last movie you saw?
penelope

46. Are you allergic to anything?
no

47. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?
coach high tops

48.Are you jealous of anyone?
nahh

49. Are you married?
nope

50. Is anyone jealous of you?
i dont kno

51. What time is it?
2:36am

52. Do any of your friends have children?
yupp

53. Do you hate anyone right now?
no

54. Do you use the word 'hello' daily?
sure

55. How many kids do you want when your older?
4

56. Have you ever been to Six Flags?
yupp

56. How did u get your last scar?
dont have any new ones, thank god.

what happened to 57, 58, 59, 60?

Anonymous

2008-03-03T04:16:31Z

I seriously need to know who you are.

Seriously. Siriusly.
you totally need to link me to your myspace.

mindsaymohan @ 2008-02-22T18:06:00

2008-02-23T00:29:34Z

She really had no clue what she was going to do. She had had more than a week to think about what he had proposed. As comfortable as she was with him, she wasnt comfortable with his notion, his question, his scenario.
It wasnt a bad one, but it surely wasnt a good one.
She lit her cigarette and inhaled deeply to ensure that her blackened lungs would only fill so much more. Since they werent filled with anything but a slight amount of hope and cancer, she only wished that, that small portion would blacken itself out. But as hard as she tried, it almost would never happen. She thrived on hope, and so much more on faith. Not faith in a religious way, but the faith that someone, one day, would turn into a prince. A prince of some sorts, she thought. She rolled her eyes, inhaled some more, and looked over her dinner and stared at him.
"I really dont know what you'd like for me to say, honestly." She said.
She had such a Salinger-esque way of speaking. It was one of the things she was absolutely in love with herself about. As if she wasnt in love with herself as it was.
"Well.." He paused. "What do you think i want you to say, babydoll?" he spoke to her in his sweet voice. He clearly liked her enough to use it on her. As if it charmed her. Although to be honest, it did charm her. God, she was such a sucker for being called Babydoll. She was a sucker, period.
He tapped the rim of his whiskey glass and hesitated to pick it up to finish it. He thought again, and downed it. One drop fell to the table, and she memorized it's place as if she was going to be tested on it later. She avoided looking at him in the eyes, but she did like looking at him. How she did like looking at him. She could have spent hours just looking at him. In fact, she'd probably have liked it more than being with him. Although they werent really together. Well, they were, but werent. it was complicated.
She shook her head at the thought and reassured herself "They are always complicated." She shook her head again to shake off the thoughts as if they were snowflakes in her luminous brown hair.
He stared at her. He always wondered what she was saying to herself. He knew she was intricate enough to have conversations with herself in her own mind, and as much as it would make him second guess her, it was part of her charm that called out to him. He wanted her to say yes, he wanted her to wait for him, as long as he needed.
He didnt do things to harm her. At least not on purpose. It hurt him to ask her to do this for him. But how could he explain the complications that came with him? She seem to like him, a lot. He could tell when he'd catch her eyesight, and her eyes would lock on his. The going back and forth of her eyes on his. He knew she liked him. And as much as he wasnt sure about her, he couldnt deny that she called out to him. Her face, her eyes. Those eyes, they were the most piercing he had ever seen. And my, the eyes he had been through, yet hers were completely whole and unwavering. He knew those eyes wouldnt let go, once locked on. He knew she wouldnt hurt him. He knew she wasnt like every other cunt he had dated or fucked. She was different. He hadnt even touched her, he hadnt even really tried to be fresh with her. She, on some level scared the shit out of him. Scared is what best described him though, at this time in his life. He knew she was avoiding his eyes. He watched her finish her cigarette. He thought it was a disgusting habit, but on her was the most God-awful sexiest thing he had ever seen.
How could he describe that she had everything he was looking for? How could he explain that she was just too late? A cruel joke from God informing him that He really did have the greatest fucked up humor in the universe. That's what she was.
She was a cruel joke.
"I just dont know what to tell you." She said.
"I mean I just dont know if i can wait around for you. We arent even seriously going out. We're barely dating. How could i wait for you? it's absolutely ludicrous." She gave him a hurtful gaze in hopes he'd receive it. Which he did.
She was spiteful, and hurt. Torched and burned by his request. This request that should have been easily laughed at but how? She liked him too much. And she knew she couldnt hurt someone she cared about, even if they didnt care an iota for her. Which she was certain that he didnt. She never thought anyone cared about her. In fact, she was always down right shocked when asked out, or kissed for that matter. She held a high self-esteem, and knew what she looked like, but her shocking surprise was always beyond her own comprehension. She couldnt explain it. She almost was afraid to dive into it some more.
She looked around for the waiter to ask for more water. She stared at him out of the corner of her eyes, putting her hands under her chin. He looked upset, but what was she to say? She knew she was going to wait for him, because it was who she was. And she did on some level love him. She adored him.
Was it her fault she fell so easily? It happened every time. But he was so..so..so cute. His looks were beyond lust, they were too cute for words, and whereas lust was the last thing she thought when she saw him for the first time, she was just so enchanted by his eyes. She had never ever noticed eye color on men, but on him, it was..it was so pretty. HE was pretty. His face was so pretty, so much so, that just the word pretty made her feel so fucking stupid. But as she looked at him, it was the only word she could think of. He wasnt pretty in that cherubic boy model face. He had the face of a man, but his features were just oh so perfect.
His body on the other hand was pure lust. She'd steal glances of it when he walked ahead. She'd steal glances when walking side by side. She'd steal glances, period. She wanted nothing more than to touch him, and feel how warm he was. He looked warm.
How absurd that notion, she thought. But it was so true.
The definition of his body held nothing to the definition of his hands, and arms. How she loved hands and arms. His were perfectly sized and made her hands feel smaller than they were, they were perfect for enveloping hers. His arms showed the working man's lifestyle he held. He worked incredibly hard, for nothing of course, as it was in their generation. But they were defined. They were strong, he was strong. Whenever they'd cross the street and she'd walk up too quickly, he'd put his arm out for her protection, and as annoyed as she seemed by it, she deviously loved it.
The waiter seemed to have showed up out of nowhere, she hadnt really called him. She had just looked for him. He seemed to have noticed, and took her request. He filled her glass, looked down her shirt, gave her a devious smirk which she noticed and walked away quickly.
She noticed the smirk and immediately had a quizzical brow. She was never used to being blatantly checked out. But he was cute so she allowed it. She had forgotten where she was and looked over at her dinner date. They were tense. The air was tense. Their food was cold.
He opened his mouth to speak, but she cut him off.
"So why would I wait for you? You havent given me an incentive. Because quite frankly, i'm not sure i'm ready to do anything like this for anyone without some kind of incentive."
"Because you adore me." He said. He smirked. His devilish smile. She blushed like a school girl. The butterflies in her stomach went crazy. She prayed it wasnt obvious.
He put out his hand for hers. She hesitated but thought it would be rude to not deliver.
He leaned in and played with her fingertips, his long fingers tracing the lines of hers. She stared at him. He was totally going to win. She yanked back her hand, and got another cigarette. He was kind enough to light it for her.
"So you know I'm right. You do adore me. I just wish you would admit it. You know i'm crazy about you. It's just these damn circumstances. I wish they didnt exist. "
"So do I." She said.

Those circumstances will always exist though, she thought. She looked away from him, fearing he'd see that she would start bawling if s/he didnt do something quick. He seemed to have heard her thoughts and grabbed her, kissing her harshly, which he knew she liked.
He knew he was wrong to ask this of her. He knew he was wrong to even try, knowing well enough it would fail. But it was the kind of girl she was. She was a good girl, and he thought he wanted that. He thought he wanted her.

scary.very.scary. and not in terms of work.

2008-02-20T06:52:45Z

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Your February Horoscope by Susan Miller

This is an exciting month because surprise developments will bring needed changes. With two eclipses due this month, one in Aquarius and one in Virgo, it's clear the world is in flux, and that your life is, too. Your chart is particularly intriguing, especially when viewed in the context of what you've been doing over the past two years.

A little over two years ago, in mid-July 2005, Saturn moved into your house of career achievement and set up a two-year period of challenging tests of your skills. Higher-ups were hard to please and they really put you through the wringer to see how you'd react, because that's how taskmaster Saturn typically teaches its life lessons.

Saturn remained in part of your solar chart for a little over two years, and during that time you grew in experience and you became more seasoned and mature. Your grasp of your job grew and you were being encouraged to show initiative by making contributions to improve productivity and performance. Last September 2007, Saturn finally moved on, releasing you from much constant pressure to prove yourself to higher-ups. Subsequently, you may have received an impressive promotion as a result of challenges successfully met. You paid your dues so in the last quarter of 2007, it was time to collect the rewards. You are still in a similar reward period, so that period hasn't necessarily ended.

Now you will be able to use the experiences you gained over the past two years to even greater advantage.

In a less positive interpretation of this trend triggered on February 20, you may be upset about something.

Let's think positive thoughts.

Until you get to the end of February, you won't know the whole score. Keep your options open and don't agree to anything just yet. March will bring a more stable, settled atmosphere in which to announce your decisions and announcements. Sit tight for now.

Romance may not be your number one priority in February, if only because several elements in your life will need all of your focused attention and energy. Also, there appears to be a reason you can't be with the one you care about, perhaps because you or your partner will be traveling or involved with studies and exams. That situation will resolve next month, so be patient.

Your most romantic evenings this month include February 1-3, 8, 14, 16, and 26.

Valentine's Day 2008

2008-02-15T17:58:44Z

Yesterday was Valentine's day, and as much as i was completely trying to ignore the whole holiday (not really), I did nothing the whole day. I dyed my hair actually, and ran some errands but nothing really significant. But last night i had plans to hang out with Matt and see There Will Be Blood, which i hadn't seen and really wanted to,because I'm a movie freak, and i try to see most of the films that are Oscar nominated.
Of course Matt and i were to have supposed to hang out on Tuesday night, but considering the snow storm and mom being trapped at work, needless to say it didn't go through. So we agreed on last night.
   We met up at New Roc, only because it was the only theatre playing the film uber late during the week, meanwhile i just checked the cinema de lux's times and there's a show at 10pm for it now. Fuckers. Ok, so New Roc, is not my normal theatre to go to. It, to me, in my humble opinion is really fucking ghetto [at least, i feel like it is].
We met up and commenced to the theatre room. Of course it was completely empty because this movie has been out since Christmas and whatnot. Eventually like maybe 7 other people are in the theatre and almost every single person walks out on the film except for these two people who were sitting way in front of us. And us, of course.
They also must have hated Matt and I because we talked throughout a huge chunk of the movie, because the theater was empty, and it was like watching TV, and it was awesome!
By the way, how much more do i like Matt because he talks through movies? A lot more!
Clearly because it's me, i wasn't hungry throughout the whole day, but seat me in an empty theatre with someone, and my stomach just doesn't shut up. Yap yap yap. Thus diner plans were made! Victorious.
   At 12:55am, Matt realized his parking ticket was expired, and ran out to put more time on it, right after he left this creepy black man just comes into the theatre and sits himself down. I'd like to assume his film finished earlier and he wanted to catch the end of this movie, or hey; he was bored. He sits down directly behind me....IN AN EMPTY THEATRE. ***
He then decides he is going to sit in front of me. Meanwhile, once he moves, i can see that he is staring directly at me. Directly. At. Me. In this dark theatre, and with the exception of the couple, that i'm sure hated me for talking, I am completely alone. I start wondering where the hell Matt is (because he will totalllllllllllly protect me, or so i would like to think). And during this, in the film, something I deemed funny was said. I giggled slightly and the man who had turned from staring at me is now staring at me again, and says: "You have really pretty teeth."
I just barely look at him and mutter "Thanks."
yes, thank you for noticing my teeth in a SUPER DARK theater. That's great. I'll call Dr. Kaplan from the three years I had braces and pass the message along.
He finally turns away (again from staring at me for a prolonged amount of time) and decides he is going to have a cigarette. Now it's enough i am starving, but now there's going to be smoke to upset my stomach even more. In this time Matt has come back and I am saying a silent thanks to the Man Upstairs because now i wont be followed and killed. At least not alone.
I start to fill Matt in with the scene he had missed and the man just looks at us, and turns away. Matt is confused because this man is smoking a cigarette and just popped out of thin air. I'm obviously bothered by the smoke because i was breathing into my hoodie, and Matt asks me if i want to move, and considering how ridiculously stubborn i am at times, i say to him, "but i was here first." He says, "yeah, you're right." and tells the guy to put out his cigarette, and the man just does it.
   Sigh, chivalry is not dead. Or at least good manners.
The movie is over, and it was great. Really. The credits are rolling and we're sitting there talking because, at least in my mind, i was waiting for the creepy man to leave first. And he isn't. So we're sitting there and it gets quiet and Matt types something out really funny on his phone, and it's like the thing that motivates me to get up.
     We get to the diner, and the cheeseburger was fucking slamming! Slamming, medium rare and everything. Awesomeness.
And we kind of just sat there till 5am, or a quarter to. What we both didn't realize is that, we kept the diner open. Since we didn't leave, they couldn't close, yet i sincerely thought they were an all night diner. We left with the intention of getting Matt some sleep, since he hadn't had enough the night before. We ended up in my car, just talking some more.
I'm pretty sure that we talked about everything. Literally, everything. It was cool, very superb.
I've never kept a restaurant open like that. I've never just met someone and had an all night conversation with them; that as tired as i was, i was fully awake for because they kept me completely interested. It was nice, and that's an understatement. I like him.
I got home exactly at 6:28 in the morning. I got to see the sun rise. It was great.
The entire night was great.

***I hate that. It's like being on the bus which is empty except for you and one other person gets on and sits right fucking next to you! Pointless.

Dear Anonymous Reader..

2008-02-13T01:06:15Z

In all seriousness, do I know you?
Or shall i say, do you know me? [on some level this has to be true, but dammit i'm a very curious person]
Have I met you?

You don't have to tell me who you are or whatever, I would kind of prefer you not to. I just want answers to those questions.

yea.

2008-02-01T01:45:26Z

I havent had a good cry in what feels like for fucking ever, really. So clearly i'm going to go through a week of gloominess and then i'll have a good cry, and just want to stay in bed watching Ever After and so on, and then i'll feel better.

What can i say? It's my thing.

Oh god, my obsession is getting worse.

2008-01-30T14:06:45Z

The last couple of nights i've had restless sleep. I keep twisting and turning and dreaming, but not really remembering what i dreamt about.
Regardless, and amongst the tumbling around in bed, i had a Twlight dream. I was Bella, of course. And Edward was R. Pattz, and it was so lovely.

And it had a whole intricate storyline, and dialog. I was watching a movie in my head. I also, of course, was almost killed a billion times, but Edward saved the day. Yay.

Ok, i think i'm done disgusting myself! :)

Strange

2008-01-25T14:32:39Z

It's all weird. This whole Heath Ledger thing. I'm so disgustingly shocked by the whole thing of it all. I'm usually not one of those people who gets upset about celebrities dying, but the whole situation has just had me crushed from the inside-out. I've been on the verge of tears these last days and what else can i say, but holy shit. Why?
I've done nothing but scour the internet for more news, hoping this is all some bad dream.

More than anything, i remember how obsessed i used to be with him, and how i still have magazines with him on the covers from like four years ago in perfect mint condition. On the top shelf of my closet, in plastic. Why did i do that? I have no clue, i just take really good care of all the mags with celebrities i adore.
What's more is, this is so sudden, and as stupid as i feel ssaying/typing this, it's like losing someone you knew. I like to read my celebrity gossip, and i just remember seeng the pics of him in Brooklyn, which isnt far from where i live, and just how i'd daydream about running into him in the city and being like "i think you're incredibly talented."

What makes it worse is i'm this huge batman fiend. I have upon hundreds of pictures and icons of The Dark Knight, which Heath was the Joker for. And i remember not being too sure if i thought he could pull it off, but after the first intial photos, i was so convinced that i felt really ashamed of myself for doubting his talent, and feeling ashamed of how could i think there could be another person to portray my all time favorite villain?! And i just watched the trailer for the billionth time just to see Heath Ledger move and speak, because i wont see anymore of that in the future, just the things he left in the past, and i was almost about to start bawling.

And when i go to the city tonight, i'm going to his apartment building and leaving a note. I've never done that, and i dont think i will ever again, but i feel like i must. At least this once. Film is a huge part of my life and so are the actors that affect my cinematic passion. And he was definitely one of them.

today

2008-01-23T03:36:50Z

Or tonight rather, i finished Twlight. I'm 24 years old, and reading a "teen" novel. Quite frankly it was so good. i love it. i adore Bella, of course, i feel like i could be her. And of course, i lustfully & faithfully wish that my own Edward Cullen existed.
More and more, that last one echoes in my brain a lot. Especially as of late.
I attribute it mainly to feeling lonely, and maybe it's caught up with me. I havent had much thought of it, nor have i had the time to really ponder about it. My recent state has been sublimely happy that i havent even really thought about being "lonely", it's only hitting me now, these last two days. Especially the more and more i think about it. I try not to, of course. I've much better things to dwell on. But regardless, i'm not so proud that i cant at least admit when i'm feeling alone. At least in the romantic/i-have-no-boyfriend aspect.
It'll get better though. I know it will.

What dont you comprehend?

2008-01-10T04:52:14Z

I quit my job yesterday. I honestly got up out of my chair, and put on my jacket, said bye to some people and that was it. I walked out. I said "i quit" to various people, but for some reason or another no one is picking up on it. My boss keeps calling me, and its like uh, what dont you get?
can you leave me alone now?

Tonight I had dinner with some amazing people, in Bronxville. I'm going back to there tomorrow, cuz the food was the most delicious i have ever had. and today Antonio gave me the princess peach game for the DS. OMG it is the cutest game on the planet. He's gonna spoil me even more than i already am.
This morning we walked to the gym, worked out, walked back, and met up with Lamby. We're doing it all again tomorrow. Except for meeting up with Lamb. She's got work. And soon, like tomorrow night, i will be looking for another j-o-b.

i am so tired. g' night.

Antonio.

2008-01-05T13:02:48Z

Antonio.is.awesome.

By far coolest guy i have ever met. I adore him. He knows this. He likes to point out Terri has blue hair, constantly.

and a new year

2008-01-02T04:46:48Z

I'm so tired. I called out of going to work, for the first time since i started this job (in sept). mainly because i just dont want to go. i want to sleep in, and spend the day with my brother.

i had a strangely wonderful new years. I'm so unbelievably thankful for the things i have in my life. Even the bad, because it's better than what some people do or dont have. I'm just so happy i could implode.

i'm thankful for my sight, otherwise i wouldnt see all the colours of the world. could you imagine living in darkness? i'm thankful that when i look at someone in the eyes, i feel like i really see them.

i'm thankful for my ears and hearing, otherwise i'd never hear all the melodies that so sweetly put me to sleep when i leave my ipod on. Music just brings tears to my eyes. It's the air i breathe.

i'm thankful for touch, or the sense of it rather. the sensations your fingers feel, is rough and smooth, or harsh.

I'm just really grateful. i'm just really happy.

End of 2007/I sound so full of myself

2007-12-25T05:04:59Z

I was thinking about this whole year a couple of nights ago, and it wasnt bad. Quite frankly, i did a lot this year that i generally, never thought i would/could be able to do.
I must say, that this year proved to be the year i've come into my own, at least in my humble opinion. I definitely grew up, and learned to fend for myself. At least, in some circumstances. I became more independant... I went to the movies by myself! More than once! Gasp, how's that for a slice of fried gold?
i started this year, feeling lonely and abandoned , despite being at a nice New Year's party. I basically knew my ex-boyfriend, hiss friends who threw the party and his friends who showed up, and meh, i basically didnt feel wanted, or remotely a part of that group. I began this year, by sleeping on my party hosts' floor, because my then boyfriend decided it wasnt in his best interest to sleep in a comfy bed, but on a floor that was sticky with beer and whatnot. So that's how i started it, in about a week, who knows how i'll end it.
I mean, this year, was crazy. For me, i experienced so much, i felt so much, and so vividly. I ended things with the same guy. We got back together, against everyone who i held dear to me's opinions, but i jumped in again, because no matter what he done to me, i always gave in, because a big part of me thought he was going to see how he was, and that he would change on his own, and maybe he would eventually love me, for real. To this day, i dont know how i spent two years with him. How do you spend two years with someone, you are convinced doesnt even love you? How did i do that? Who was i, and what /who was i looking for? What was i convinced he would be? My prince charming? He wasnt, and i should have known better. I, ultimately didnt, and of course, how was i to know? There being to directions, no real explanations, no real person(s) to go to, who had really been in my shoes, without some kind of good fortune that ended up being their happy ending.
       So we ended. In June, after our two year anniversary. The tenth, i think. I know that i ended it, but it certainly felt and still does feel like he ended it. Maybe it's in part to his behaviour, and the thing he did to me, that just absolutely killed me, and i swear i'd cut his throat out if i were to see him now. I dont think that even, how many months (i am not bothering counting, for i truly dont know the length of time its been) after the fact, that he has even realized what he did. How could he be so selfish?
       But in this year alone, i learned more than i ever could.
           I learned to love unabashedly, and always attempt to see the good in people, especially when they dont even know how great they are.
     I learned that despite loving someone despite terrible treatment of you, is no way to live, for it just signifies that the person you should love the most, yourself, isnt getting what it deserves, and no amount of time or attention on that other person will ever make them good enough for you, when deep down you know they arent even worth looking at.
           I learned that you fall, but you have to get up. Because when you do, the world truly holds so much more than you'd ever have known if you have stayed in place and done nothing with yourself.
         I mean, i lost like 45 pounds, and honestly i dont see a shit in difference, except in my face, for it is thinner, but i did it. And there's more to be lost, and to be toned, this year i will tone more, than lose. But I did it. No one held my hand. I was alone, i decided i needed to better my health, better my looks, because as vain as it is, i can definitely admit, there is no better feeling than when the guy you're totally into, is just as much as into you, and tells you how absolutely splendid you feel, and how even better you look.
I did that, i caused that, i was responsible. I am so proud of myself. This year i became more out going, and open to things. My main problem this year has been finding people with similar interests as i, for as much as i love my friends, I just no longer have the energy to convince someone that what i want to do, is really fun. What's fun for me, is fun for me, and whoever wants to join can, i'm just done being everyone else's cheerleader.
    I got/maintained a job, a real god honest, adult-job. With an office/cubicle and everything. I absolutely loathe it, of course, but regardless, i did that as well. I also got a promotion, and i dont want it. More and more i think about it, and i just keep hearing in my head that i do not have the time to waste in a job i dont even want to do! Why should i? Its not for me, i need to be out, in the open air, doing something, not looked up with no windows doing things for people and their businesses to better themselves! I should be bettering my business.
    So i am.
I paid for my return to school. All by myself. I busted my ass, gained my money and was broke that same day, because i want to better myself and my talents. I, in this year also really had an epiphany in regards to what i want to seriously do with my life. I most definitely want to finish school, i most definitely want to be in fashion, i most definitely want to be a photographer. I know i can do all of this, i know i am an incredible artist, i know i am talented. Why have i been sitting on my ass for so long? Why had i not just opened my eyes sooner? I think about that, and it just wasnt the right time.
This is right. I feel it. In my stomach, and more than anything, my heart, my soul. My absolute everything just tells me that i'll be okay and somehow, because i wasnt paying attention before it didnt work out, but now, it'll be okay. I feel rejuveniated, i feel the passion within me, that i honestly thought i lost.
   Within this year...I really found me. I like me, a lot. I'm so proud of me. I'm quite the catch. I grew up, and realized the mistakes i'd made in my years prior. Doesnt anyone realize that most people dont see that until they're on their death bed? I've got this huge opportunity to make what i want, really happen. I just think about Emily in Our Town, she suddenly sees everything after she's dead. I'm not, not yet. I've got to make a impact. Whether or not on the world, who knows, but for me; this is all that matters.
     Also this year, i met some really great people. Who knew? And to boot, they were just as crazy and outlandish and funny, as i am. I also made some great memories that will always live in me, for as i think of them, i cant exactly remember everything (which i hate) but Terri and I had so many adventures, and i know she is my best friend. I dont see her for weeks, and when i do, and when we talk it's like finding someone who can relate and completely understand everything you're saying. I also think, on some level, Terri is me, three years ago, since she's going/gone through some of the same things i did, at her age. I dont know, i know history repeats itself, but so closely?
   Regardless, Harry Potter also was a huge part of my life. The cinema was an incredibly large part of my life. This year alone, i saw so many movies, that i cant even remember. But i love film. This was my year of film. Hopefully, next year will be all music and film.
        As for the opposite sex, well, what can i say? I managed to be completely in awe of someone, and be completely romantized, and oh god, what a feeling. It's all i've ever wanted, and i got a taste. It's quite lovely. It really brought back the butterflies, and what is life without the butterflies? Of course, after that whole thing, i experienced the most wonderful amount of lust, that was to the perfect equivalent taste of the romance. It would have driven me mad, had it continued, for the times that it was, was more than enough. Sometimes you need a breather to collect yourself. *sigh* it was great.
        Now if i can just get a combination of the both, well, then life would be grand. Well, more so than it is. Wouldnt that be lovely?
2008 is going to be tremendous.

I love this song.

2007-12-25T04:03:04Z

- By the Sea Lyrics

MRS. LOVETT:

(she kisses Todd)
Ooh, Mr. Todd! (kiss)
I'm so happy! (kiss)
I could (kiss)
Eat you up, I really could!
You know what I'd like to do, Mr. Todd? (kiss)
What I dream (kiss)
If the business stays as good?
Where I'd really like to go,
In a year or so?
Don't you want to know?

TODD: (spoken) Yes, yes, of course.

LOVETT: Do you really want to know?

TODD: (spoken) Yes, I do, I do.

LOVETT: (spoken) I've always had this dream...
Ever since I was a skinny little slip of a thing and my rich Aunt
Nettie used to take me down to the seaside August Bank Holiday...
The pier... Makin' little castles in the sand...
Ooh, I can still feel me toes wigglin' around in the briney!

By the sea, Mr. Todd, that's the life I covet,
By the sea, Mr. Todd, ooh, I know you'd love it!
You and me, Mr. T, we could be alone
In a house wot we'd almost own,
Down by the sea!
Wouldn't that be smashing?

TODD: Anything you say...

LOVETT:
With the sea at our gate, we'll have kippered herring
Wot have swum to us straight from the Straits of Bering!
Ev'ry night, in the kip, when we're through our kippers,
I'll be there slippin' off your slippers!
By the sea,
With the fishies splashing!
By the sea!
Wouldn't that be smashing?

TODD: Anything you say, anything you say...

LOVETT:
I can hear us wakin,'
The breakers breakin,'
The seagulls squawkin,'
'Hoo, hoo!'
I do me bakin,'
Then I go walkin'
With you-hoo!
Yoo-hoo!
I'll warm me bones on the esplanade,
Have tea and scones with me gay young blade,
Then I'll knit a sweater
While you write a letter
Unless we've got better to do-hoo!

TODD: Anything you say...

LOVETT:
Think how snug it'll be underneath our flannel
When it's just you and me and the English Channel!
In our cozy retreat kept all neat and tidy,
We'll have chums over ev'ry Friday!
By the sea!
Don'tcha love the weather?
By the sea!
We'll grow old together!
By the seaside,
Hoo, hoo!
By the beautiful sea!

(spoken)
Oh, I can see us now, in our bathing dresses!
You in a nice, rich navy, and me... stripes, perhaps.

It'll be so quiet,
That who'll come by it,
Except a seagull
Hoo, hoo!
We shouldn't try it,
Though, 'til it's legal for two-hoo!
But a seaside wedding could be devised,
Me rumpled bedding legitimized!
Me eyelids'll flutter,
I'll turn into butter,
The moment I mutter I do-hoo!

By the sea, in our nest, we could share our kippers
With the odd payin' guest from the weekend trippers,
Have a nice sunny suite for the guest to rest in,
Now and then, you could do the guest in!
By the sea,
Married nice and proper!
By the sea,
Bring along your chopper!
To the seaside,
Hoo, hoo!
By the beautiful sea!

Oh Violet.

2007-12-23T17:12:44Z

I was in a bad mood while checking my LJ, and i received this, and all the bad just vanished.